It must seem for some people that no sooner have their children left home, than their parents need to move back in. If Mrs Middlestart had had children, that is how it would feel right now.
For me, Christmas is just another day. Well this year it was rather nice because it was our (dearly beloved and myself) first Christmas together and it was lovely. Marred only by a call from Father's carers to say, that he had fallen over, cut his head and she had called an ambulance. Which was great, apart from the guilt and the stories about an uncaring daughter not even coming round on Christmas Day to see her aging father. Well, he is not in London and I am. I have done my turn at the wheel of looking after ageing parent, and to be honest, dearly beloved and I needed a rest.
What is the solution to the ageing parent dilemma? My father, to his credit, has struggled after one hip replacement, two cardiac arrests, a respiratory arrest, a month on a ventilator, eighteen months in a nursing home, to get home. He gets out on his scooter. He is a local marvel, and all this at a sprightly 90. He should be preserved for the nation. But it comes at a cost, sooner rather than later he will lose the battle against time and despite his determination he won't be able to stay at home for much longer.
And by the way he is writing a book. He fought with the Chinditz in the war, he taught himself to windsurf at 76 and to use a computer the following year.
I can feel the collective Aarhh, isn't he amazing, and yes he is. But admiration is not the same as love and although I have a vague fondness for a creature that has been through so much, that is where it ends.
Who should make the decision as to when he has to go back to the nursing home? He wants to stay in his flat til they carry him out. He does not want to be anywhere else. He has a team of devoted carers, money is not the issue. He insists on going out and his trousers fall down, and he doesn't notice. He worries the man on the floor below, who is the guardian angel of the block. The man on the floor below, makes sure everything runs smoothly, including the lifts, without which father would be truly stuck.
If father lived miles from anywhere and no one knew about his lonely plight, would it matter? I could leave him in his flat until the carers found his body. As it is the caring neighbours remind me of my "duty".
In my father's world, he is managing fine, he just has to be careful. He doesn't think his memory is failing, or that he is losing his marbles. Today he was tired after church and fell. There is always a reason, but too many falls and he will have to go into a nursing home. Did I say, the paramedics were wonderful. Once upon a time, someone would have called his GP, who would have popped round and put a couple of stitches in, nowadays the ambulance men do that - thank goodness for paramedics. Taking him to hospital would have been a large and expensive mistake. The new health service has no place for doctors. If you need to see a doctor, you might as well start counting the nails for your coffin.
What should I do? personally I would let him stay at home until the last possible moment, but there are appearances to keep up and concerned neighbours to consider. I worry and I wish I did not. I feel more responsibility towards his neighbours than I do him. So I left him alone at Christmas, Christmas was never a happy time in our house, but of course, he doesn't have a label that explains that. I can pretend to care for most of the year but this Christmas, I put dear beloved and myself first. And I am glad I did.
There is no answer to what to do when a person can no longer look after themselves. I believe we should let them fall, not feel compelled to intervene to stop them falling. If he falls he falls, and he can afford to pay people to pick him up. In the meantime he is living at home. But for how long is a person entitled to rely on the kindness of neighbours and strangers? What is the budget and targets for this and what is the maximum number of falls allowed each year before the State intervenes?
I am sure that Gordon and the Labour government will tell us in the new year.
For me, Christmas is just another day. Well this year it was rather nice because it was our (dearly beloved and myself) first Christmas together and it was lovely. Marred only by a call from Father's carers to say, that he had fallen over, cut his head and she had called an ambulance. Which was great, apart from the guilt and the stories about an uncaring daughter not even coming round on Christmas Day to see her aging father. Well, he is not in London and I am. I have done my turn at the wheel of looking after ageing parent, and to be honest, dearly beloved and I needed a rest.
What is the solution to the ageing parent dilemma? My father, to his credit, has struggled after one hip replacement, two cardiac arrests, a respiratory arrest, a month on a ventilator, eighteen months in a nursing home, to get home. He gets out on his scooter. He is a local marvel, and all this at a sprightly 90. He should be preserved for the nation. But it comes at a cost, sooner rather than later he will lose the battle against time and despite his determination he won't be able to stay at home for much longer.
And by the way he is writing a book. He fought with the Chinditz in the war, he taught himself to windsurf at 76 and to use a computer the following year.
I can feel the collective Aarhh, isn't he amazing, and yes he is. But admiration is not the same as love and although I have a vague fondness for a creature that has been through so much, that is where it ends.
Who should make the decision as to when he has to go back to the nursing home? He wants to stay in his flat til they carry him out. He does not want to be anywhere else. He has a team of devoted carers, money is not the issue. He insists on going out and his trousers fall down, and he doesn't notice. He worries the man on the floor below, who is the guardian angel of the block. The man on the floor below, makes sure everything runs smoothly, including the lifts, without which father would be truly stuck.
If father lived miles from anywhere and no one knew about his lonely plight, would it matter? I could leave him in his flat until the carers found his body. As it is the caring neighbours remind me of my "duty".
In my father's world, he is managing fine, he just has to be careful. He doesn't think his memory is failing, or that he is losing his marbles. Today he was tired after church and fell. There is always a reason, but too many falls and he will have to go into a nursing home. Did I say, the paramedics were wonderful. Once upon a time, someone would have called his GP, who would have popped round and put a couple of stitches in, nowadays the ambulance men do that - thank goodness for paramedics. Taking him to hospital would have been a large and expensive mistake. The new health service has no place for doctors. If you need to see a doctor, you might as well start counting the nails for your coffin.
What should I do? personally I would let him stay at home until the last possible moment, but there are appearances to keep up and concerned neighbours to consider. I worry and I wish I did not. I feel more responsibility towards his neighbours than I do him. So I left him alone at Christmas, Christmas was never a happy time in our house, but of course, he doesn't have a label that explains that. I can pretend to care for most of the year but this Christmas, I put dear beloved and myself first. And I am glad I did.
There is no answer to what to do when a person can no longer look after themselves. I believe we should let them fall, not feel compelled to intervene to stop them falling. If he falls he falls, and he can afford to pay people to pick him up. In the meantime he is living at home. But for how long is a person entitled to rely on the kindness of neighbours and strangers? What is the budget and targets for this and what is the maximum number of falls allowed each year before the State intervenes?
I am sure that Gordon and the Labour government will tell us in the new year.
Copyright Dr Liz Miller 2008
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