Family Money and incompetence

Most people want money and this is a mistake. Because wanting money makes you greedy and greed makes people foolish. On the other hand, if you don't want money, like me, you will soon lose it. For me, money is a source of massive anxiety - not (just) because I have huge debts but because of my experiences with it, my beliefs and how I have been conditioned and the person I am. Money makes me anxious and it doesn't matter how much I have or spend, I am still anxious about money.

The only way to get rid of fear is by desensitising yourself. It is never going to be fun. Some of us are more fearful than others. It is the price we pay for our sensitivity. Expose yourself to the object of your fear and then manage the anxiety. If you feel comfortable you are not getting rid of the fear. Just get frightened, wait for the fear to subside and start thinking clearly. As therapists get rid of anxieties about spiders, you and I need to get rid of our anxiety about money. "But", I hear you say, "I have bills to pay, how can I not be anxious?" How does being anxious help you pay those bills? Maybe that anxiety motivates you to go out to work in the morning to a job you hate. But is it easier to write a cheque when you are trembling with fear? Or is it easier when you have a clear head and are already thinking what you can do to earn some more money so you can get more of what you want?

And yesterday was great day for desensitization, in other words it was emotional hell. But today, I still feel anxious but I am not as paralysed as I was before. Yesterday I finally tackled the tiny family trust - now split between 16 people. I discovered XXX Commercial Surveyors have been sitting on the family property using the rents and major works as sweeteners their friends. This is a wild rumour, I can’t prove they have any friends. Nonetheless if someone could explain why a property possibly worth close to £3 million pounds has yielded no income for fifty years, I would be grateful.

How did this happen? First, - it is 'family money' which makes it highly emotional. It was the place where Grandfather did his best work. The work that still gets him an occasional mention in books on the subject, eighty years on. None of his own children have a bone in their backs when it came to thinking for themselves. The property was left in trust and the trust was not to be touched. There must be thousands of such properties around the country. Because the family is too 'nice' or too 'frightened' to broach the subject, the agents get away with murdering the investment. They gently milk the family cow, cushioning their own businesses against harsh economic reality

Back at Home Farm, mentioning The Property or talking about money in anything other than hushed tones was like launching a Scud missile at the Pentagon - massive retaliation. The war zone only quietened down when no one was left standing. I would love to what proportion of families population argue about a) money and b) floorboards. To live a house, a person needs money and floorboards, but one creates volcanic emotion and the other gets polished or covered with carpet. In a rational world, we would handle both with equal calmness.

Yesterday I got stuck in!! Because I am anxious and go from paralysed passivity to wild nuclear aggression in a split-second, I am not necessarily negotiating sensibly. However, at least I am trying to sort the mess out before another generation allows XXXX to keep passing Go without going round the Monopoly board. For me, the gain will not be so much the money but the chance to flush out my own taboos. I am excited and mad about this one. Nonetheless if I am going to learn to manage money, I first have to learn to manage myself in the presence of money



Copyright Dr Liz Miller 2008